I have received a letter from you—I think two—which I have not answered. You wrote me that Brother Eldridge would talk with me in regard to my books. I have not had yet any talk with Captain Eldridge. As yet things stand very much as they have done, and I have been pressed as never before financially. It is a question with me whether I should not stop my workers and cease my book making. I think I know what Captain Eldridge will say after you have talked with him. He will talk as you talk, and take the same views of things as you have taken and come to the same decision you have come to; but not because they are just or right.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 1

I ought to have just the price I have stated in my last letters to you that I must have, when you asked me to take twelve cents. There were conditions. You promised you would push the book and that the sales would be large. I consented on the strength of these promises, but against my reason and judgment. And as you failed to fulfill your part of the contract, how could you hold me to mine, even in the books that have been sold?7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 2

I say, in consideration of Volume Four not being handled, you ought to pay me the fifteen cents on Volume Four. This I shall stand for in the future without any wavering; and I also feel that I have less confidence in the ones in whom I should have confidence, than I have had in years in the past. I am sorry to say this. You have all managed to push me into very hard places, and now I shall not depend on any one of you to manage for me.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 3

I know what my situation is. My brethren either do not know or else they do not evidence they care, if they do know. And I conceded to your importunities when you urged me (which I must say was unjust) to take only twelve and a half cents, after all my expense in publishing; and then you failed to do as you said. I am grieved at heart every time I think of it.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 4

My brethren are binding my hands on every side. I saw the financial pressure. I sent to Healdsburg to sell some things. I had then to pay for things here for which I ran in debt.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 5

I sent an appeal to Professor Grainger, telling him my situation and begging him to send me a draft without delay, but no draft came. I sent again. He answered that he sent to Pacific Press to send me a draft. Then it flashed on my mind that you might have done just as you did when I was in Europe, when I sold my furniture, my horse, my cow, to obtain money to help the men in deepest poverty who were trying to preach the truth under the most discouraging circumstances. But the people waited and waited for a response from me, having not a thought it was lodged at the Pacific Press, and went no farther. But the Lord favored me that I could hire four hundred dollars in England to help the empty treasury. When they found out I did not receive the money, they felt indignant and disgusted.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 6

When I wrote to Professor Grainger on this last occasion, I begged of him to sell some of my things and send me the money, for I must have it even if my things were sold at a great sacrifice, but in no case to send for the Pacific Press to send me a draft, because I had overdrawn and I supposed that was the reason the draft I had worked every card I could to obtain, was lodged in its passage to me.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 7

Professor Grainger sent me the draft direct after that. It is since reaching home that I learn from Zelinsky that you had given me credit for the draft that I was expecting.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 8

How do you know how much is hanging when I send for money to be collected? Why should you do this? It seems that my brethren think—or do not think, I cannot tell—how I am to live. I have invested and invested and invested in books that are unsold. But what dependence can I put in my brethren as to their interest and care for me? Not much. I am forced now to speak plainly. I do it without any ill feelings toward anyone, but I am deeply grieved at the way I have been treated at both printing establishments. I must do that which I do not want to do, take my position, set my own prices on my royalty on books, because I know what they cost. It is just as much my duty to do this as it is your duty to set your prices on the publishing of the books you get out at the office.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 9

If I let you manage for me, you will not manage for my interest because you do not understand it. I see selfishness on every side I look. My brethren know that I have no royalty on foreign books. All this I have dedicated to the necessities which may arise in other countries. This has amounted to thousands of dollars, but not one penny have I claimed for my own use. Will my brethren pursue a course to compel me to use the royalty on foreign books for myself? If my brethren cannot perceive my case, then they must be enlightened. I do not want to be compelled to look on the things which are temporal, but on the things which are eternal; but if I have to take this additional burden in order to continue my work of publishing, God will strengthen me for this.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 10

I was told when I came home from the last three months’ tour, that I could not draw any more money from the office here at Battle Creek because their finances were low, and my finances were low through their own management of my books. This discipline to me is not pleasant, and I do not have the slightest confidence that it need be. I have spoken upon this subject to my brethren. They look at me saying, “I cannot do anything in the matter.”7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 11

Oh, what loneliness of soul I have had! I have felt at times when the hands of my brethren touched me that they sent an icy chill of unsympathizing indifference to my heart. The words that I have spoken came back as though spoken to a wall. I feel something, as I have been shown was the case when the throng pressed about Christ, and the woman touched Him and was healed. Christ said, “Somebody hath touched me” [Luke 8:46], showing all this close pressing about Christ was not the contact of soul with soul, but only an outside pressure against His person. I feel that it is thus with me. The sense of my loneliness and helplessness comes over me and with such a sense of feeling alone. Alone, yet in the midst of my brethren who crowd and press me but who do not feel, who do not understand, and my soul feels at times that it will burst with agony.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 12

I think of Elder James White, who was looked upon as a man who made some decided failures in character. As I now know his associate brethren, I know my husband was a noble man, excelling those among his brethren who could speak of his errors fluently. Their weakness, their folly, their defects are so much beyond those of my husband. That I am now alone, deprived of that help which would have been so valuable to me, seems at times unbearable. I meet with so little genuine sympathy. Nobody knows and nobody cares. The lessons that God will have me learn I hope I shall understand. I have for the last three months relied alone upon God. Alone, but not alone.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 13

Oh, how I want daily to press close to Jesus, for He knows. The deep humanity of the soul of Christ was full of fine sensibilities. The human who stood in need of a friend and who needed his sympathy! Jesus felt a sense of solitude and loneliness at times, when He said, “I am not alone, the Father is with Me.” [John 16:32.] These words express a struggle, an inward conflict and reasoning, a suggestion to His mind, hence the reply. He said, “You will leave Me alone.” Those who understood Him best only did so partially. The disciples thought they knew the Lord. Jesus said, “Do ye now believe? Behold, the hour cometh that ye shall be scattered every man to his own, and shall leave Me alone.” [Verses 31, 32.]7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 14

I have tasted of this loneliness. It seemed about as much as I could bear. I have had a somewhat bitter experience, but Jesus has been very precious to me. Oh, how I have longed for human sympathy! But I have felt as though I was alone. This must be, I think, my position, that I shall not have any confidence in human help and put all my confidence in God.7LtMs, Lt 49, 1891, par. 15

Lt 48, 1891

Lt 50, 1891