Fannie Bolton to E. G. White, March 8, 1892

Dear Sister White, I have not put off writing to you because I felt the least bitter toward you on account of the rebukes you have written me, and I am thankful that though the medicine was bitter to take, the effects have been good.FBS 3.6

After your second letter came, for a week I felt as if the billows had gone over me, and the thought that there was more to follow pressed upon me with pain. The only thing that I ever was suspicious of you about was that you would speak of my faults and wrongs to others. I know now the reason that I have felt so sensitive on this point. It was simply that self was very much alive about its own interests and reputation. It seems to me that I shall not mind now if you or others speak of my faults. I have reasoned in this way. God and the angels know that my sins have been as scarlet, and why should it pain me that others are informed of my deformity?FBS 3.7

Jesus knows that my sins have pierced Him, even crucified Him afresh, and put Him to an open shame, dishonoring His name before principalities and powers, and what a light matter is it that feeble men should understand my weakness? By the grace of God, by the humiliation my sins have brought me, I shall be far more insensible to this than ever before. Brother Haskell or someone has said that he always gets his head down when he sees the providence of God bringing the great wheel of reproof his way. I too would bow before God’s admonitions that I may not be overthrown. As to what is to come, I do not feel impatient to understand. I believe that it is my heavenly Father that has me in hand, and that He is mercifully bringing to me a sharp realization of the dreadfulness of sin that the flesh may be destroyed, and self crucified. So I shall wait without worry for what is yet to come.FBS 3.8

Meanwhile the Lord has been very gracious unto me. To my earnest pleading for His pardoning love, depths of compassion have been revealed to my soul, and I realize that though He has smitten and wounded, He has also healed, and poured in the oil of joy for the spirit of heaviness. He has put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto my God. New light has flashed upon me from the throne of God, and though deserving of His condemnation, He has drawn me with the cords of His love, so that I realize that “the heart of the Eternal is most wonderfully kind.”FBS 4.1

In our Bible class we are having precious suggestions, and it is as you said in the beginning, a place where light, where rays of light are shining. There has come light on the Sabbath such as I never saw before, and the commandment is now the “truth in Jesus,” to me. The Sabbath days are now days of rest to my soul.FBS 4.2

Marian and I meet together every day for prayer that God may endow us with the Holy Spirit, and “keep us from falling.”FBS 4.3

It is my desire to make advancement. I feel like beseeching the Lord to make me grow rapidly, and let His dew be upon my branch. O how I have failed to improve my opportunities for growth in Christian life. Instead of clinging close to Jesus under pressure of temptation, I have always lost my hold, and tried to battle along with the enemy. It seems to me that I can see where my greatest mistake has been, and that is in expecting something from self, in trusting to self. If this selfconfidence and dependence could be broken in no other way than through these dreadful years of defeat, I have reason to be thankful, that trial has proved me a failure. I realize that God’s inexorable law is the schoolmaster to drive us to Christ. I have lost confidence in the flesh, and O now to be wholly reliant on One who is mighty to save. I know that you have written all this, but it seems that I cannot learn anything except through bitter experience. I begin to see what you mean by my having a vein of stubbornness in me. I suppose it is that I do not yield to God in His efforts to teach me these lessons without these bitter trials, but hold out against His will, until He has to send the rod upon me.FBS 4.4

Now as to the work, I feel at rest about it. God knows just where I can best honor Him. I can do but little anyway. Poor and inadequate has been my service from the beginning, and it all has need to be covered with the righteousness of Christ, or my best efforts will but result in my ruin. “Wherever He may lead me,” as says the hymn, “no want shall turn me back,” that is, not if I am with Him. If I can best glorify Him in this work, I am resolved to do my best with cheerful gratitude that I have a place to work for Him. I feel like hiding my head for shame that I have so long held out in stubborn rebellion. O that I may become a channel for His blessing.FBS 4.5

Brother Daniells has given me the matter you sent, and I have looked it over, but have not as yet had strength or time to copy it. Have been arranging matter for the little paper for missionary work that Brother White is so anxious to have in circulation. The type of all the tracts from your writings was waiting until this was done, and it seemed too bad to have it distributed when it could be used for a double purpose.FBS 4.6

I am pleading with God to heal me that I may be able to do double the work I have; for I see so much to be done. Do pray for my healing in every way that I may be a laborer together with God such as I never before have been. O for the fulness of salvation. It is true that my catarrh is troubling me greatly, and that keeps my stomach in a weak condition, and I seem to have little strength. But I am better than I have been. My head has not had a terrible spell for three weeks. Last month at my sick period I kept quiet, and tried to rest body and soul, and escaped without a headache, though I had one the week before. My foot is getting much stronger, and I now walk with a cane about the house, and have been able to walk about two blocks on the street without getting it overtired. I think I shall soon be able to do without a cane altogether, but it does take a long time for that ligament to regain its vitality and elasticity.FBS 4.7

I hope you are feeling better. How grand it is that you are able to preach the glad tidings of great joy to the poor flock. With feelings of tenderness and compassion and love to you, I will close. (How soon will you be home? The articles I promised to send, Marian has. If you are coming soon, I will not recopy, but I could only make two copies, and Marian is now using them in the book.)FBS 5.1