I received your letter today and it is with a heavy heart I undertake to reply. Please write in full as soon as you can the whole dark picture that you have to present; for it is time I knew myself. When I pleaded with you in Edson’s parlor, asking you to let me come with you, it was (as far as I know) with no selfish motive. Miss Elsie Scott of Battle Creek can tell you some of the agonies of mind I was in in reference to the work, and it seemed that I was urged to come to you and plead for reinstatement. I saw the good resulting from the work in the papers and books, and thought I must not be left out of this work if there were any chance of my entering it again. Marian had told me long before that, that you were not opposed to my connection with the work; but that others were, so I naturally fled to you. But it was truly with no desire for the novelty of sight-seeing, or for the weekly earnings; for I had a situation offered me where I could earn more money. I have never cared for that. And also in the place offered I had opportunity for writing for myself in certain lines. This did not influence me. I thanked God for the privilege of taking up the work again. But this was not all the burden I had to carry.FBS 6.2

After I had been with you some months you told me one day that you appreciated what I did, and you believed that the Lord was helping me in the preparation of the matter. I thought the Lord helped me also. Now as for being separated from the work, it seems to me it would make me go into despair, but if the Lord has revealed to you that I ought to be, of course there is nothing more to be said. However, I hope you will bear yet a little with me. When the Lord told the parable of the fruitless tree, He also mentioned the husbandman who pleaded for a further probation. In all the darkness that the Lord has revealed to you concerning me, has He not shown you anything of the pleadings I have presented, that I might die to self? Indeed, it is my desire to die to self and be made like Him who has called Himself the Rose of Sharon and the Lily of the Valley. But how shall I attain unto it? But there I need not have asked such a question; for it [is] by beholding we become changed. But is my idea of Jesus right? I have thought of Him as you have presented Him, and during the last few weeks have especially rejoiced in the thought that He did love even me, unworthy as I am, and was personally working for my salvation. I have thought His kindness was manifested to me in allowing me to have the precious Bible lessons that we have had, and I still think so. I will not sink in despair over the thought of depths of darkness in my nature you may still have to present before me that I may know myself; but I will plead for forgiveness for it all, and believe in Jesus who came to save to the uttermost. I will say, “Jesus my Lord to Thee I cry, Unless Thou help me I must die. O bring Thy full salvation nigh, And take me as I am. Helpless am I and full of guilt, And yet for me Thy blood was spilt. And Thou canst make me what thou wilt, And take me as I am.”FBS 6.3

You may well be pained that I have come so far short of what a Christian should be. Do not imagine that there has been a day when I have looked upon myself with satisfaction. Whatever you may know of me, you must know that I have felt my poverty, if not to the full extent of it, then to an agonizing degree. Night after night I have in torture of spirit reviewed my failures in life, and rise next morning with a feeling of despair almost, in facing a new day. But as for my feelings of rebellion against God, would you call it rebellion when I was in misery? Circumstances occurred in the experiences of members of our family that seemed dark, inexplicable, and I was in heaviness for a season through manifold temptations to doubt God’s loving care over us all. But my dear Sister White, since that night when I prayed in your room, I laid all that darkness concerning God’s love in those experiences far from my heart, and indeed I do not feel the least question as to His love though I can not see. I spoke of your not understanding me concerning this very matter. But did God, the Father of mercies, not pity me in these temptations and circumstances? I read, “In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the angel of His presence saved them.” Am I so mistaken as to wrongly imagine that did you understand all that I have gone through, you would have sympathy for me yourself? I know of your being sorry for those who have had less affliction. But in writing thus I am not drawing for sympathy because Jesus has and does bear that in His breast, and I carry it no more.FBS 6.4

As for being happy in the work, I am sure I should be miserable out of it. I have had experience enough to show me that. It is true that self must be buried in order to do it with joy, and for this I shall pray; for surely if God would have me do the work, He will give grace to do it; and let all the glory be His. During this month I have been peaceful, and my atmosphere seems clearer to me; but as I do not know myself, I will wait for further light. Let me know the worst and the sooner the better, as suspense is torture. But I will be patient and wait as long as you think best. I have already asked your forgiveness for the unbecoming words I spoke to you. Do forgive, and try to forget. I am astonished when I think of speaking to you in so rude a way. Pray for me. I truly thank you for your expressions of interest, also for your delicacy in sending me the letter in your own hand, and not exposing my faults and sins to others. O I do admire this gentleness and I shall pray God to give me the same grace to do unto others as I would that they would do unto me. Yours lovingly, Fannie Bolton. I will send you a copy of the letter to me. I would like to keep original if you are willing. P.S. You speak in these words, “I have no knowledge of being remiss in my duty to you.” I would say that as far as I know I have never accused you of being remiss or of thinking you remiss. You were always anxious to provide what my appetite desired, and to make my room comfortable and to take me to ride. If you have received this impression that I have considered you lacking in attention to me, it has no foundation in my thought or word as far as I know, and I appreciate what you have done for me in these regards. Indeed, I often felt like remonstrating over improvements made for my comfort in these lines, and thought you put yourself to too much trouble on this account. Why do you think I would read detached portions of your letter to persons? I would have had no thought of doing so. Give my love to the girls. I pray for them and you. F.B. You speak in a former letter of our sending copies of Elder Olsen’s and Haskell’s letters. We have sent you copies. Did you not receive them? You also say in [a] note to me that you sent a letter for Dr. Kellogg, but I found none. There were only these to Scarzighnini, and Olsen. I have copied this month up to date 72 pages, and have a long article to copy tomorrow. Have not worked as steadily as I have in the past, but feel better in my head. The weather is very cold, and it is hard to keep warm. Have taken a bad cold.FBS 7.1

Fannie Bolton to E. G. White, circa October, 1892

Fannie Bolton to E. G. White, May Lacey and Emily Campbell, October 7, 1892