Fannie Bolton to E. G. White, July 5, 1897

Hear what the Lord has done for my soul, and come, let us magnify Him, let us exalt His name together. The testimony you sent me which I thought was going to work me only evil, has been the means of bringing me to God, and He has opened my blind eyes. When I received it at first, I thought as I have always thought before, that you did not see my perplexity, or comprehend my trouble, that it was you who were my adversary, not I yours, that it was you who were misrepresenting me, and that it was your withholding of the truth about your writings in not acknowledging your editorial help, that was at the bottom of all the perplexity, and that your work was not as you say the work of God ought to be, “as open as sunlight,” and that I was the victim of all that the misconception brought about. I did not at first see any light in the testimony, and my soul was full of trouble, and seemed that I drew near the grave. My head ached cruelly, and I was alarmed. The doctor for whom I sent, said I must stop worrying or the consequences would be serious; but it seemed impossible to stop.FBS 81.4

Sr. Amadon, Sr. West, Sr. Prescott and Sr. Scott all tried to help me, and Bro. White spent a whole evening trying to help me to see its truth and justice. I told him how it looked to me. He told me how Elder Olson had had a testimony that he could not see, but that he had prayed to God to open his eyes, (for blind men cannot see,) and that God had done so, and that he saw the testimony clearly.FBS 81.5

I could not think that I was blind, but as the days went on, and my anguish continued, I prayed that, if I was blind, I might be made to see. I told the Lord I would do anything, anything, if He Himself would show me positively just what ought to be done, but that I could not acknowledge something to be true that seemed to me to be a misrepresentation. I could not say that black was white and white was black. I opened the Bible, and read the 88th Psalm, which has long been the expression of my experience. (Please read it.) And then I read the first six verses of the 94th Psalm; for no Psalm with any praise or comfort in it, seemed relishable. Then I cried out verse by verse that there was an adversary somewhere; for I was as one wounded to death, you were wounded, and souls were going into perplexity, and it could not be that God desired all this anguish. I said to the Lord, “O wherever this adversary is, chase him. Vengeance belongeth unto Thee; shew Thyself.”FBS 82.1

Then it began to dawn upon me that the adversary was the devil that deceiveth the whole world, and that what you said about my being deluded by him (see testimony you wrote me while at Cooranbong) might be so, and that someway he had made me his dupe, captive and tool, and had utterly deceived me. But it wasn’t clear. There was a ray here and there. But at last as if scales dropped from my eyes, I saw. Whereas I was blind, I saw. Praise the Lord, I said, I now see it all. With the misconception I have had, with the doubt originated thereby, with the miscomprehension I have had of your position, how could I be anything but your adversary, the deluded, blinded tool of the enemy. I could not help misrepresenting you even in making statements of facts. I could accept every word of the testimony (except the statement made to you by Miss Malcolm to the effect that I said you could neither read nor write, were an ignorant woman, and that Sr. Davis and myself made your books.) What a revelation it was! But just as soon as I could say it is true, the terrible agony was gone. I got up, and walked up and down, and praised the Lord. O how I praised Him for deliverance, for light, for a real understanding of where I am, of what I have done, of His great patience, love and tender dealing with me. How I love Him. How sorry I am for you, and for those I have been the means of casting into doubt. How I pity you. How could you have borne with me as you have done? It is marvelous. Poor, dear child of God, you can pray as Jesus has prayed for me, “Father, forgive Fannie Bolton, for she has not known what she has been doing.”FBS 82.2

I was as ignorant of what I was doing as was Saul of Tarsus when he was holding the clothes of the men who were stoning Stephen, and my eyes have been opened to the truth in just as miraculous a way as were his, and he who once persecuted now preacheth the faith. Praise the Lord. Sr. White you have this comfort, “He that converted a sinner from the error of his way, hath saved a soul from death, and hath covered a multitude of sins.” In eternity when you and I go into the house of God together, holding sweet converse, you will not think the sufferings of this present time, when you went over and over this thorny path with me, worth mentioning, in view of the fact that God has saved me to the praise of the glory of His grace in revealing myself to me through your testimony.FBS 82.3

As I went praising God, it seemed to me I could almost see the angels who have watched my long conflict with Apollyon in the valley of the shadow of death, ringing their harps and swaying their banners, and rejoicing more over the one sinner that repenteth than over the ninety and nine that see no need of repentance. How glad they must be to see my racked soul out of its torture, and escaped from the net of the fowler. The preciousness of Jesus flooded my soul. A revelation of His suffering love came over me with melting power. The sore wounds that have festered and bled, were healed. I besought the Lord to show me your position, and to help me to understand your sufferings, and He answered my prayer to as great an extent as I could suffer. O how you are misjudged and misapprehended in the great work God has called you to do. Never have I truly seen anything of your burdens before. If it was not for the sustaining grace of God, you would be crushed. Since writing the above, I have reread in Vol. 1 of the Testimonies your early life and experience, and see the cruelty of the course the enemy deluded me into, in adding to your experience my burden of misapprehension and misrepresentation.FBS 82.4

When the testimony was all clear to me, my head cleared up, I dressed myself, and went over to Mrs. West’s and told her, then I saw Sr. Scott and we prayed and praised God together. Then I saw Sr. Irwin and told her how God had opened my eyes. Then I saw Sr. Prescott and left her rejoicing, then I saw Sr. Amadon, and then went home. How I longed to find W. C. White, but could not find him. How I wished you were in Battle Creek so that I could run in and tell you what the Lord had done for my soul. Next day I saw Sr. Smith at Mrs. West’s and told her how God had opened my eyes. Then went to the office and told Bro. Tenney and Smith, and they rejoiced with me with tearful eyes.FBS 83.1

There are many faithful souls here who understand the testimonies, and many others who are in the same tormented condition of mind that I have been in, but am in no longer. Poor Bro. Henry is in the dark, blind, and I know how to pity him. He is away now, but will be home soon, and then I intend to tell him to go to God and ask Him for sight, and find out anew that there is a living God in Israel.FBS 83.2

Finally W. C. White came in, and we rejoiced, wept, prayed and praised God together. It seems the most wonderful experience. Things look altogether different. My view is completely reversed.FBS 83.3

Last night I took up Vol. 3 and 4 of the Testimonies. I often used to open them, and close them about as soon as my eye rested on their pages, because the words seemed so cutting and hurt me so, but last night I read and read and rejoiced. They are precious, precious. Christ is in them, and to you who believe He is precious. It is the doubt that makes them seem so cruel. I said a few days ago, “Anything but a testimony,” and I have cherished this sentiment ever since I knew what a testimony was; but now my language is the reverse. The personal testimonies that have seemed so harsh, so unkind, so unchristlike, now seem the most loving kindness. To think that God writes through you to me, God the great eternal, living God with worlds to sustain, condescends to try to help me through a personal letter, why words cannot express my gratitude. That testimony I thought so cruel, is my treasure. Why have I persisted in being blind so long? I was deluded, but you cannot pick up stones to throw at a blind soul who tumbles into the ditch. God has pitied my soul, and so have all of you; but I thought you hated me, and that God had almost forsaken me and given me up to be lost.FBS 83.4

In all the experiences of the past I have never had my eyes opened. In the letters I sent you, you can see that I did not confess what you said I was guilty of doing, because I did not see that I was guilty. I thought that all I could be justly charged with was indiscretion, and that I could hardly call that a crime; for it seemed to me [that] any of your workers ought to have the right of speaking frankly and openly about anything that was done in your work, and because you seemed to resent this frankness, I thought the only thing you disliked in me was speaking of the matter at all, that you wanted me to maintain secrecy about it all, but I thought that in justice to yourself, your work, your editors and readers, you yourself should have acknowledged your editor’s work. In this matter I thought if I did not tell what I thought to be true, I would be a party in what I thought was not perfectly honest, open dealing.FBS 83.5

My eyes are opened to the way in which I hurt your work; for my spirit was not right. The enemy had magnified my supposed difficulties, and though I did not realize what I was doing, he knew exactly what he intended to do through me; but by the grace of God he has lost his tool. When I saw the grief it caused you and others, my heart was broken for your agony, but not because I fully comprehended the reason of it. I thought myself a martyr for truth’s sake, and greatly misjudged and persecuted, though I attributed to all of you honesty in so misrepresenting the case. Besides, I was tortured with doubt in regard to the work, questioning as to whether it was wholly the work of God, when as I thought this deception was carried on in connection with it.FBS 84.1

You know how I was prostrated after the last experience. Then how my ankle was sprained, and of my sojourn in Sydney. I do not remember of speaking a word then to prejudice Bro. or Sr. McCullagh, nor was it my intention ever to do so, but my very appearance of dejection, sorrow, and despair, in connection with my misconception of matters must have had its influence in putting an unpleasant construction upon your dealing with me, and in weaving about him and her the prejudice that has been made manifest. But it does seem queer to me that he says I said I made your books, or that you copied from books. I do not remember saying anything of this kind to anyone except Marian, when we talked over some perplexities together. But God is able to pluck their feet out of the net, for if He could open my eyes He can open theirs. I shall write them on this mail, and do all I can to undo the wrong I have done. While in Sydney I was bordering on despair. It seemed I could not raise my heart up to any hope. You came down, and in accordance with the Lord’s direction, took me back with you to Cooranbong. Yet I felt a doubt even in regard to your taking me back, because I had written to you begging that the alienation might be healed between us, and that if it was the Lord’s will, I might again be trusted with the work; for I thought most sincerely that the temptation would not overcome me again.FBS 84.2

In the letter then sent to me, [Ms. 12c, 1896], you write thus, “Friday, March 30 [sic], I arose early, about half past three o’clock in the morning, while writing upon the fifteenth chapter of John, suddenly a wonderful peace came upon me. The whole room seemed to be filled with the atmosphere of heaven. A holy, sacred presence seemed to be in my room. I laid down my pen, and was in a waiting attitude to see what the Spirit would say unto me.... The question was, What have you done with the request of Fannie Bolton? You have not erred in disconnecting with her. This was the right thing for you to do, and this would bring to her mind conviction and remorse which she must have. She has been tempted, deceived, and almost destroyed. Notwithstanding her perversity of spirit, I have thoughts of mercy and compassion for her. If she will heed my counsel she shall have deliverance from the snare of Satan. He has desired to have her that he might sift her as wheat. Your own soul has been wounded and bruised, but your Saviour has bought her with a great price. He has been wounded; He has been pierced afresh and put to open shame by this deceived, deluded child....FBS 84.3

“The Holy Spirit said, Take this poor deluded soul by the hand, surround her with a favorable influence if possible. If she separates now from you, Satan’s net is prepared for her feet, she is not in a condition to be left to herself now to be consumed of herself. She feels regret and remorse. I am her Redeemer, I will restore her if she will not exalt and honor and glorify herself. If she goes from you now, there is a chain of circumstances which will bring her into difficulties that will be her ruin.... Leave her not to the dangerous sympathies of those who are not wise in Christian experience, who do not understand and estimate the value of the human soul under test and trial, that needs to be purified from the dross, and tried as in a furnace that it may come forth free from dross as fine gold.... Take heed, all who reach up their hands to you, turn not away. You are to help those who need help most. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”FBS 85.1

This was the instruction given you of God in regard to taking me back to Cooranbong, and does not the testimony itself lay bare the reason why you should do this act of mercy to a poor, deluded, despairing soul? Can you not see why you took me back, because my Redeemer had thoughts of mercy and compassion for me, and would not send me away to be consumed of myself, and to be taken into a snare of utter destruction which He saw was being laid for my feet by my adversary and destroyer? But I did not then see the preciousness of these words, yet they kept me from utter hopelessness. These words and your kindness to me was like a misty morning to my darkness, and cast a faint light upon my way. I was convinced that I did not understand you, and you remember I told you so in your room one day. I know now that I did not, and could not. Then Sr. Malcolm told you that I told her that you could neither read nor write and were a very ignorant woman, and that Sr. Davis and I made your books. I denied saying these words, denied saying words that would leave that impression, and my dear sister, before God I can but deny them still. I never said those words to anyone. I have spoken of your tangled sentences in the m.s., but not to Sr. Malcolm, of the work done by me and Marian in putting your matter into good literary style. I have murmured and complained because your editors’ work was not acknowledged, that is true, but never have I said to anyone that you could neither read or write, was ignorant, or that Marian or I made your books. Never did I design to leave such an impression. This is truth. What I did mean was that it was in a better grammatical, rhetorical and logical shape than when it came into your editors’ hands, be they who they might be; that more or less work was done on each m.s. to prepare it for the press. I meant to tell the truth; but the doubt, the suspicion, the magnifying of your literary faults and your editors’ literary excellences, caused me to leave a false impression, because of my own false but to me real conception of matters. Never did I use the work “ignorant,” or intend it. I said “uneducated,” and meant what you yourself meant when you speak thus of yourself in Early Writings.FBS 85.2

But as to the testimony you sent of my feelings, faults, errors, and ignorance of my attitude, I say it is true, true to the core.FBS 86.1

When at your home in Cooranbong the last time, brooding over all this, puzzling over it all, despairing of anything, you came to me in the kindness of your heart, and said, “Fannie, you better take up the work again. It may help you to get your mind away from yourself.” I was sick, heart-sick and body-sick, and it seemed to me you could not understand how sick I was, to ask me to go to work again. I tried it however; but just as soon as I took hold of the m.s. the old temptation arose up like a giant again; my head began to throb, for I knew that I should fail again, and go through all the painful experience again if I continued in the work which I had thought I could do while in Sydney, and be safe from the temptation. When Sarah left the room, I cried unto God to let me go home, rather than fail again. I heard you talking with Sarah, puzzling over my contradictory actions, and asking what it could mean. Poor woman, I could have told you, but dared not for fear you would again charge me with being your adversary, and I felt I could not face it. I was sick, so I told you I would go home. I thought then that a year of change and rest would lift me out of my condition of nervous exhaustion, give me a chance of seeing things in a different light, and then I would return. I felt that I could not have you say that I could not come back. The same horrible doubt pressed my soul as when you were about to leave America for Australia,—a doubt that I could be saved if not in connection with your work; for in spite of all the mystery, I believed that God worked somehow in connection with you.FBS 86.2

Well, you did not utterly deny my request, but said we will see when the year ends. I desired earnestly that God would not let me make a mistake in coming away, and when in answer to my question you said you thought I had done everything I could to right matters, and that you knew of nothing that would prevent my going home, when God sent this text to me, “Though I take the wings of the morning, and fly to the uttermost parts of the sea, even there shall Thy hand lead me, and Thy right hand uphold me,” I came away filled with something very like peace. When I reached home, and my folks said, “Why Fannie, whatever have you gone through that you look so haggard and changed?” I shut my lips and prayed that I might not tell them of any of the trials I had undergone in connection with your work, and I never told them a word. One of my brothers would have been glad to have heard what I would have told him if I had told what I thought to be the truth. But praise the Lord he heard nothing of it.FBS 86.3

I finally came to Battle Creek, thinking no one would care to see me, or have the least confidence in me; for I confidently expected that you had sent copies of what you wrote about me to all the leading brethren. I put a thick veil on, and came to one who had long been a friend of mine. Then I saw Dr. Kress, who said my food was doing me very little good, that my stomach was lying on the sympathetic ganglia and irritating my nerves every minute I lived, that my whole nervous system was out of order and she wondered how I had endured work at all in the condition in which I had been before leaving Australia. She explained the reason for my headaches, saying that any nervous strain increased the stomach difficulty, caused the food to lie in an undigested condition that germinated poisons and acted directly on the nerve centers, causing paroxysms of pain in the head.FBS 86.4

You have written saying that you will stop the influence of my words. Do all you can to break up every false impression. I have asked the Lord to root up every influence of mine that He sees is tending in the wrong direction. Tell the people to go to God and ask Him for an evidence of His own work. And I shall pray always, I hope, that God will bless the work He is accomplishing through you and your workers. Meanwhile I will do everything I can see I ought to do to make the right impression, asking the Lord to enable me to be true to truth.FBS 87.1

Hoping you will write me on receipt of this, if possible, or when you can or must, I am your friend and sister, I trust, F. E. Bolton.FBS 87.2

Dear Sister White, I know that you always wanted to be a mother to me but I would not let you. I will now though, if you will counsel and advise me. I remember when I first went to Healdsburg, you told me in the vineyard that you wanted to be a mother to me. But I was sensitive, and I thought you were stern, and I was afraid to tell you all that worried me, and rather drew away from you than to you. I often used to hear you singing, “We shall know each other better when the mists have rolled away,” but I always applied it to myself, even while you sang it, because I thought you did not understand me, and therefore could not be my friend. I know you knew that I pulled away from you. I will not forget the last time I heard you singing, “When the mists have rolled away.” It was the last time I was in Cooranbong after you brought me back from Sydney, and yet I did not know you, and you were bearing me upon your heart as you would a sick, delirious child, and I was still looking upon you as one who did not understand me, and therefore was unable to love me.FBS 87.3

Do you think it can be possible for you to give me a place in your heart now? Can you think kindly toward me? Will you ever be able to repose any confidence in me as a friend? I would not dare to go into the work again. I would be afraid to ever try it again after the terrible experiences I have passed through. I do not know what ever made me make such a blunder as to insist on going with you to Australia, or of insisting over and over after my repeated failures; but I am warned not to undertake a place of so great responsibility. I dare not do it; for it has been proved over and over that I am as weak as water, and I think the decision of the testimony wise,—never to place in my hands another article of yours. Let those who are fitted by better discretion, education and spiritual growth take hold of the work with you. I have no idea what I shall do in the future. My health is poor. It is two years since I have earned any regular wages, and I have earned but little in an irregular way; but now every avenue seems closed up. I shall be as one who sees but one step ahead. I shall try not to engraft your ideas without due credit, if I can discern yours from mine.FBS 87.4